Sandra Dupont is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who helps parents understand the issues teens face today, improve their relationship with their child and respond effectively to family challenges.

Sandra earned her Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology, with an emphasis in Child Specialization Studies, from Antioch University in Los Angeles. She has advanced training in adolescent psychology and mental development, and nine years experience as a practicing counselor for families with teens.

In her debut book, “What Would Your Teen Life Coach Say? A Survival Guide for Girls Entering High School”, Sandra presents fictional teens with real-life situations – like learning how to deal with mood swings and mean girls, how to talk to parents, siblings, boyfriends and girlfriends, set goals and define boundaries, and above all, be true to one’s self.

As an experienced Teen Therapist, she gently guides teens on a journey of discovering who they truly are, what they want, and how to express themselves with kindness and grace.

Sandra has a private practice in Santa Monica, California.

More than just being about grades, the educational process offers teens the opportunity to learn about social skills, personal responsibility, respect for authority, as well as how to manage their time, how to gather and retain information, and areas of interest to them. It is essential that you support your adolescent in having a positive and successful school experience.

At the start of the school year, check in with your teen by asking what they think of their teachers and how enthused they are feeling about each of the subjects they are studying. Once school is underway check in daily or weekly, depending upon the self-motivation of your particular child, by asking about their assignments and what they’re are learning.

The following is a sample of a “School Performance Agreement:”

Expectations:
We believe you are capable of producing excellent work if you put in the time and effort. Therefore, we are expecting you to achieve A and B (and/or C) grades this year.

Support:
We will help you to achieve this by providing you with a tutor or homework helper, if necessary.

Rules:
We want you to learn the most effective work habits to support your success and are therefore setting the following rules:

1. Homework is to be done 1st, after a short break when you come home.
2. You can and should take breaks every 45 minutes.
3. Homework will be done in kitchen or common area, and not in your room.
4. Facebook, Tumbler and instant messaging will be off limits until after your homework is finished.
5. Cell phone will be placed in KITCHEN and not used until homework is finished.

Hours:
You need to get enough sleep to do well in school, be successful, and feel good about it. So we are expecting you to be in bed at ____ pm Sunday through Thursday.

Friday and Saturday are “late days” meaning you can stay up later, but not past ____ pm.

Review:
We will review these expectations and rules after the 1st semester with you and make adjustments based on your performance. Our intention is to support you in doing your best and being your best.

If your teen expresses continuous feelings of helplessness or hopelessness about a class or classes this could mean a couple of things:

• They need assistance beyond the time spent in class to understand the new information, and thus a tutor may prove helpful.
• They may have a learning disorder that needs to be better understood, like ADD, dyslexia, or a sensory processing disorder. There are tests as well as treatment designed to help overcome these challenges.
• They could be struggling with depression, bullying, low self-esteem or even substance abuse. These are all situations that would benefit from a consultation and/or treatment with a trained mental health professional.

Between extracurricular activities, homework, body changes and peer pressure, teens have a lot on their plates. Self-injury and substance abuse is on the rise among teens and pre-teens. Drug addiction is often based on the user wanting to get away from painful feelings, such as anxiety or depression. By waiting until problems with your teen have escalated, the issue becomes more complicated to solve.

The Internet now allows parents the opportunity to seek support for their child or family before the onset of a mental illness has occurred. There are various services available to aid you in supporting your child. Keywords to Google include your city–along with Teen Therapist, Teen Substance Abuse Treatment, Teen Depression, Teen Anxiety, Learning Disorders, Tutors, Solutions to Bullying, and ADD treatment.

In closing, since not every student learns at the same pace or in the same style, it is important that you understand your child’s experience. Your teen’s success in school is the doorway to endless possibilities for their future.

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it with your family and friends.

You can also join the LA Teen Therapist on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/LosAngelesTeenTherapy

• Wouldn’t it be nice if we could step through a gateway to an easier, more joyful life with our children?
• Wouldn’t it be nice if today were the day to take this step?

Reaching for “A Bit Better”

How do you see your children today? Are you content with life?  How do you feel?

Esther and Jerry Hicks have created an Emotional Guidance Scale (pictured on left) that helps us move from feeling bad to feeling better about whatever we are experiencing.

In looking at the chart, we yearn to be in the top, purple spot.  Even the blue and green areas look good.  We want to feel hopeful and happy and to appreciate our children and our lives.  However, if we are currently in the gray or burgundy zones of guilt or grief or despair, the leap to joy in inconceivable.

Instead of aiming for giant leaps, it is easiest and most productive to move through one gateway at a time.

Sometimes, we can just step through.  Sometimes we must knock and a door will open.  Sometimes we need a battering ram.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice?

One way to move up a level its to find something — anything! — that feels good about the current situation.  What we focus on expands.

• In the midst of a tantrum, consider finding something good.  (My child is safe.  I am staying calm and looking for a good way to handle this moment.)
• When you child struggles to communicate, consider, “We have wonderful speech therapists.  Look how she tries to tell  me what she wants!”
• As your child insists on the thousandth meal of the same food, think, “It is so easy to feed him.  I know what he wants.”

Celebrate Success, Celebrate Yourself and Your Child

Every step is one that brings you closer to the Joy Zone. Anger and rage may not, by conventional standards, seem like a good thing.  But anger and rage let you know that your do not feel powerless.  You are moving closer to hopefulness and joy.

Tools for the Journey

Please browse the blog archives for tips for really easy ways to support you as you step through each level.

Consider exploring:

• Cell Salts
• Homeopathy
• Matrix Reimprinting

And next time you see 11:11 on the clock, take a deep breath and think of one  thing that feels good about that moment.  Every good feeling that you focus on will bring you closer to more experiences that feel good.

Children pickup fast. We all know that! Are there any secrets to getting the best use of this characteristic in children?

First we need to ask ourselves how good a reader are we. Do we read worthwhile matter? Do we have around us books and newspapers or just home deco and ornaments? How many words a day do we actually absorb from our reading?

These are some of the questions that you might want to pause to answer before reading on any further.

In a world where electronic games and virtual playing fields have taken the lead, it is challenging to get your children to close their various DSs, PSPs or Wi’s and open their books. How can you compete with visual, aural and interactive features that these various interactive games offer? How can you get a child to prefer a book?

Fortunately, books have evolved too. Books are no longer boring with only words and pictures. They now come in all sizes and shapes with lights, wheels, buttons and are interactive to a great extent. If your children turn away at the sight of a book, these interactive books are a great way to arouse their interest. Furthermore books are read in screens. Google books, amazon and nook are a few examples out there. So developing their interest only requires a little effort from us.

Children love to question and to be asked questions. Try to develop their interest by reading to them initially by describing the pictures and building your own story around the characters. Ask them simple questions about colours and shapes.

Some of the simple things I did.

A decorative and interesting book rack for the children

I even had a world map shower curtain

Magnetic alphabets on the fridge

A white board

I had foam letters in the bath tub

I had them make books for crafts

I make them tell their own stories as well as read to them

These are a few of the many things that we can do to get our children to develop love for reading. Force is the last tool we should use. If children do not show adequate interest simply move on to puzzles and games that they like to play. While some may be natural book worms others might need more encouragement and motivation. Take them to the store and let them pick out their books. You can buy used books from Amazon or even stop by the local goodwill store or yard sales. Make it an exciting experience and keep saying phrases like “I can’t wait till I get home to read that”. Before you know it your little one will start reading everything from road signs to cereal boxes and the journey will be enjoyable to you both!

When our children get hurt, the words we say can initiate healing or exacerbate the trauma.

Consider these three possible responses when a child falls and scrapes a knee.  (The examples for this article are taken from the outstanding book, “Verbal First Aid” by Judith Simon Prager, PhD and Judith Acosta, LISW, CHT.)

Response 1

“Oh, no!  Look at you!  You’re bleeding, oh, my poor, poor baby!  Are you okay?  Does it hurt a lot?”

Response 2

“You’re all right.  Buck up, buddy.  It’s not that bad.”

Response 3

“Oh, you’ve fallen and your knee is bleeding.  See what a good job your blood is doing cleaning out that cut.  Now you can even use your mind to stop your bleeding.  We’ll wash it off and put a bandage on, and you’ll be surprised at how fast it will start to feel better.”

What are your words teaching your child?

We cannot know definitively what a particular child will learn from each of those responses since each child is different.  Each already has a bank of experiences and his own temperament.    Here are some possible learnings:

• Response 1 teaches the child that seeing blood is cause for alarm.

His body will respond by creating chemicals that impede healing.

• Response 2 teaches the child that his feelings are not valid, he should not cry or express pain.

• Response 3 teaches self-confidence and initiates the healing process.

The words we say in those first moments can set the course for both physical and emotional recovery.

When children are injured, they are particularly susceptible to influence.

What We Think = How We Feel = How We Heal

Science has demonstrated that words, thoughts, images and memories generate an instantaneous cascade of chemicals, causing a physiological reaction within us.  This reaction is most pronounced when we are scared or in pain.  Our breathing gets faster, our hearts race, we sweat or freeze or run.

What we think can throw us into this flight-flight-freeze response – or initiate healing.  Since we cannot hold two thoughts simultaneously, presenting our children with a positive scenario can pull them out of the panic place to a place of peace.

Building Rapport:  Believability and Credibility

Using words that are honest and authentic will build credibility with our children.  We want our children to recognize the truth.

Saying, “Everything is fine” when neither you nor your child believe it can be damaging.  Instead, state what you see and use the knowledge and wisdom you possess to uplift and support your child.

For example, if your child is seriously injured and you don’t know what to do, try this:

Take a deep breath to calm yourself.  Use a gentle tone and say, “I’m right here.  You can relax now.  Let’s figure out what we need to do next . . .”

For extensive scripts and protocols for burns, cuts, bruises, getting stitches and much more please read the book, “Verbal First Aid.”

Verbal First Aid for Non-Verbal Children

Even if your child is non-verbal, using words in the way described in this article will be helpful.  By changing how we speak, we shift our feelings.  Children will respond to our tone and energy and gain confidence.

Super-Easy Homeopathic First Aid

Like Verbal First Aid, homeopathic remedies support the body in healing itself emotionally and physically.  I always carry the remedies described in this article.  Having homeopathic remedies with me has saved the day for my family many times.  If you don’t want to buy them all, buy arnica and prepare to be amazed at the rate of healing.

Healing Old Trauma

If your child had a traumatic experience in the past that continues to cause anxiety, please consider using Matrix Reimprinting to change how your child sees old events.   

Reference

Highly recommended!

Verbal First Aid: Help Your Kids Heal from Fear and Pain–and Come Out Strong

A father’s son represents his immortality; not only the kid represent his genetic immortality, but also that of what he values the most. He teaches his son what he hopes will survive to the next generation, and instills in him that which he hopes will help him However, he is most tempted to take out his son during adolescence.

There are several complaints that seem to follow every generation:

• This generation is more disrespectful than mine.
• This generation will destroy itself.
• This generation has so many more problems to face than mine.
• The music of this generation is the worst ever.
• This generation is far more selfish than mine ever was.
• How can the kids of today ever hope to deal with the world of tomorrow?

The most amusing part is that every generation has had the same issues with the generation following it. It’s almost scary how regular these complaints come up. Adolescents are always going to come off as being disrespectful; if you had to boil down the essence of what an adolescent, does it is to push boundaries, and being disrespectful is part of that. However, keep in mind that they will learn respect the hard way, and thus learn respect; just give them time and the hard knocks that come with it. By the same token, bear in mind that they will get over their apparent selfishness as they learn better teamwork, and to value the strength that it gives.

Just as generations past have risen to deal with the problems that they were presented with, so shall the current generation. They will probably use different solutions than your generation did, but they also have more technology than your generation did, and each generation tends to think in different terms than the generation prior, just as that generation did the generation prior to it. In essence, the new generation is just as unlikely to destroy itself as was the generation prior to it, and yet we’re all still here. Sorry about the music, but there are worse things that could have happened, right?

However, one constant is that fathers and sons will always come into conflict. It’s simply that the son has to establish his independence, and he thinks that, at some level, he has to rebel against his father at some point. This should not be seen as some form of regressive behavior, but as a natural consequence of growing up. It’s not just the hormones (even though it may be fed by it); there’s also psychological reasons for it as well; the boy doesn’t see himself as able to stand on his own unless he is able to stand up for himself, and obviously the first person he needs to stand up to his father, who represents repression of his independence. As such, you should not only allow for the rebellion, but encourage it a bit. It’s the first few steps into manhood, and as such marks an important part of the journey.

Some fathers will seek to decrease or eliminate the kid’s need for conflict; this is poor parenting and the sign of a weak father. This is an important part of childhood, and should not be seen as something to be ignored or put aside. Although I appreciate that some fathers don’t like conflict, and don’t like it, they need to realize that conflict is part of the human condition and is a necessary part of growth. It’s interesting that people try to eliminate conflict because they think that humanity would be better without it, but don’t bother to understand why it happens.

It should be noted that victory is not important, only that the father recognize that the boy has a different opinion than the father. The point of the conflict is not for the boy to win, but for the boy to advance. By changing his father’s perspective on him, the boy gets what he needs. At the same time, so does the father; he gains an extra pair of hands and eyes, as well as the first glimmers that he is raising a man and not a mere automaton. The father also gains someone who is not afraid to contradict him, and that can be just as valuable, as it keeps the father from becoming too staid in his decisions and willing to try new things at his son’s request.

That’s something that you need to meditate on, that rebellion is an important part of the boy establishing his own place in the order, outside of his father’s. It’s not just a need for territory, but a need to establish himself as an entity apart from his parents. And that’s an important step for the son as well as for that father….

As a father I want my children to respect an understand why we honor today’s (Labor Day) holiday and Memorial Day, each year!

First off we go every year to my grandparents grave site, because they raised me so it is like they are my parents, and so I try to discuss and share memories of them both… This helps me, and I know long-term it will help them as well!

Because my grandparents did this for me, and 40 years later (as a parent) my feelings are the same, weather or not we believe in war and/or world politics, for those who have fallen we need to respect the memory of why they served and died on our behalf…

A couple of years ago I created a special magazine edition for Labor Day 2009 and I think it has a wonderful message, click the images below to read:

So, the…

Please remember to take the time today to teach your kids right now about the family legacy and/or your families traditions… they will be lifelong lessons they will be teaching their kids and so on, and so on

On the weekends and especially holidays remember, as you spend more time on the home PC’s please don’t click any emails with holiday deals they may be phishing or email scams trying to extort money over this long weekend…

To see a really good story on : Phishing, eMail Fraud & Scams

With Security In Mind… Gives You Peace Of Mind!

Bill Wardell

Radio Security Journalist

[Yeah, yeah;  the next couple of weeks are parents...then it gets interesting...]

The Parental Pardox

The Parental Paradox is that the moment of purest joy and pure grief for parents is the same moment: When you realize that the kid doesn’t need you anymore. In a lot of ways, it’s the day that you work towards as a parent, but the realization that you aren’t needed anymore wouldn’t sit well with anyone.  Puberty marks the biggest leap to that moment, and is the sign that the time relatively peaceful days of parenting are almost over. In other words, if you think things are chaotic now, just realize that you will soon remember the current situation as the “Good Old Days”.Marks measuring height will soon be replaced by countdowns until when they go to college.

Too many parents feel guilty about wanting to get rid of kids. You’ve spent a lot of time and effort raising the kid, and now you want to have nothing to deal with him. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS. It’s a perfectly natural part of being a parent. You’re going to feel that the kid is leaving you, and you may resent that. Some parents deal with this by taking more control over the kid’s life; if you do react that way, note it and back away. The more control you take, the more he will depend on you as an adult, the less functional of an adult he will be, and aren’t you trying to raise him to a functional adult?

The kid should be making more of his own decisions, and if you prevent him from making those decisions, you’re hampering his ability to make decisions as an adult. Your kid should be making more decisions, and you should be encouraging him to do so. Don’t be afraid to advise him, but try to limit your advice to when asked for it. Obviously, don’t be offended if that advice isn’t always asked for; he needs practice making decisions on his own, and he won’t always be able to ask your advice. More importantly, you may not be the best person to ask, and it’s good to see that he is looking for people that can actually help him.

That independence is what you are trying to instill in him. It’s just part of the way things work out; you will find, if you haven’t already, that not controlling the kid is a big part of parenting. You should now be helping to push him ever so slightly out of the nest, not pull him to the center of it.

Changing Expectations

A major issue that will come up is that your expectations need to change, as the boy’s abilities are radically changing. In other words, he’s capable of far more at thirteen than he was at ten; his technical skills are going to phenomenally increase as he realizes that the computer isn’t just a research tool, and that he can learn to drive in a few years. He’s also stronger, faster, sturdier and capable of concentrating longer than he could just a few years ago, once you allow for daydreaming (and you know you can’t help smile a bit when you read that!). Look at it this way: He may be capable of using that power mower now that he couldn’t a few years ago. That his abilities are changing means that you need to recognize that, no matter how nervous it may make you.

As a parent, you need to challenge your son in order to properly raise him; even if he messes up, would you rather him mess up now, or when you have no ability to slap him if he screws up? You need to allow for increasing amounts of responsibility, and holding him to those responsibilities will make him more likely to respect you, especially when he starts realizing that those responsibilities are actually important. After all: You are no longer at the stage where he will respect merely for bringing home the bacon; he’s at the stage where he will respect you more when you respect him. You need to learn to enjoy that he doesn’t need you as much, as it allows you to do other things that actually do require your notice (like other kids or starting that internet business you were thinking about).

Realize that his capabilities are changing, and respect those changes, or you will make things more difficult. The road ahead is going to bumpy enough; why add speed bumps?

There is a cool breeze and I’m wearing a sweater for the first time in two months.  I won’t need it in another hour.  Still, it is a poignant sign that summer is coming to an end.  Ready or not, it is time to get ready for school.

After a summer of swimming, hiking, sleeping in, and running around outside, it is time to shift gears.

For some children, this transition will be easy.  For those who need a little help, I offer these tips.

1.     Give the Bach Flower Essence Walnut.

Flower Essences are liquid tinctures prepared from flowers.  Each flower is capable of gently balancing emotional disturbances.

The flower essence for transition is Walnut.  It can provide ease and confidence in moving through new situations such as adapting to a new fall schedule.

Also consider these essences:

• Aspen – if your child is experiences fears of unknown origin, general apprehension, or panic attacks
• Larch – to boost self-confidence
• Mimulus – if your child has fears of known origin (dogs, going to school, riding the bus)

Bach Flower Essences are available at most health food stores.  Give up to five at the same time by placing two drops of each that is needed in a glass or bottle of water.  Have your child sip this mixture throughout the day.

2.     Train the Brain with Movement.

Movements that cross the mid-line develop coordination between the right and left hemispheres of the brain.  This helps children with writing, reading, and math.  I find that it also improves attention and emotional balance.

One basic move to try is the Cross Crawl.  Here’s how:

March in place and touch the right hand to the left knee and then the left hand to the right knee with each step. You can also touch the (opposite) knee to elbow, touch the (opposite) foot behind the back. Continue for three minutes.

For younger children, it is fun to do these moves while singing (or chanting) confidence-building songs. For example, march while singing to the tune of Farmer in the Dell:

My feelings they create,
My feelings they create,
By attracting their own kind,
My feelings they create.

I choose to feel smart.
I choose to feel smart.
Smart — this is the way I am.
I choose to feel smart.

Spend three minutes each morning doing this before your children head out the door or before you start lessons at home.  You will be amazed at the difference three minutes can make.

3.     Teach Your Child How to Stay Calm and Focused with Secret Tapping.

Follow the Super-Easy Tapping Guide to learn EFT, a method that can be used to calm down fast.

When I want to quickly regain my balance using EFT with people around, I use an abbreviated method.  Refer to the tapping guide on this page.  Omit the tapping points on the face and torso and tap only on the fingers.  This handy technique can be used anytime, anywhere.

Teach your children to finger tap now.  When school starts, they will have this always-accessible technique “in their pocket” to be used as needed.

They could tap on simple phrases such as:

• I’m so angry!
• That’s so unfair!
• I’m so frustrated!
• I’ll never understand!
• I’m so confused.

After a few rounds of tapping on the feeling they are experiencing, teach them to tap in an affirming phrase such as:

• I’m still o.k.
• I’m still a great kid.
• I can like myself!

Bonus Tip

Use cell salts to support health in your child’s body.

Generic Warning

When it comes to children, parents raise them, grandparents teach them, and uncles corrupt them give them practical experience in the mentioned topics. In other words, Daddy teaches them the basics of how to ride a bike, Grandpa will teach them all the tricks (without hands, wheelies, basic jumps), and Uncle shows them how to build a ramp. As such, this is probably the last thing you want them to read.

When it comes to puberty, uncles have an entirely different perspective. Fathers are aware that puberty may come with a lot of rewards, but there are a lot of hazards. Being responsible  parents, they are going to do their level best in order to minimize the hazards, so that the boy can become a man. The father and son will come into conflict, and most of those conflicts are because the father is trying to protect his son. Expect a lot of conflicts; if the boy never disagrees with you, and you never at least shout at each other, then you just haven’t done your job as a father or your son is a Vulcan. He needs to know that he can yell at you in anger; it’s an almost physical need, and will actually help him adjust. Of course, keep in mind that you can yell back; learn to look at this as a perk, or at least a way of dealing with a bad day and you should do fine.

Grandfathers are going to their level best in order to make sure that the two of you don’t kill each other. Occasionally, he will back off and just let you two go at it, but he will try to intercede. This is going to be one of the trickiest part of being a grandfather, as he is still raising his son (the boy’s father) while at the same time teaching his grandson. Above all, he doesn’t want to see the two yell at each other. As such, I’m telling grandfathers the key to dealing with the situation: Let them at each other. You can deal with bruises physical and emotional afterwards; they need the chance to sort things out, and, well, sometimes the best way to deal with two fires is to let them attack each other. Just like any firefighter, contain the damage, recognize that there will be collateral damage, and deal with the damage afterwards. And don’t be apologetic; the grandson needs the chance to blow off some steam, and isn’t quite at the point where he can do any real damage to the father. The father, of course, needs to establish order, and being the lightning rod for his son’s anger is exactly where he needs to be.

[Note that I'm not trying to okay any violence that happens. I'm just saying that the boy may occasionally flare up due to the hormones coursing through his system, and lacks the maturity to deal with that. As such, things may get stormy; just ride it out and deal with the damage afterwards.]
This is why medieval kids were apprenticed out; if they stayed home, they could have gotten killed by the fathers. Getting the boy out of there is now the role filled by the uncle; he gives the father a chance to cool off and prepare for the next flare-up, while at the same time giving the boy a chance to figure out what he did wrong, as well as tips on how to deal with that anger (and yes, I will be dealing with that). In other words, the father deals with the flare-up itself, the grandfather limits the damage, and the uncle enacts measure to limit the flare-up.

Mothers, of course, have a need to ensure domestic tranquility; adolescence will disrupt that tranquility. Be advised that the best thing you can do is to let it happen. If you’re raising the kid alone, you will need to take on the role of the father; the best advice I can give is to remember your own puberty, and bear in mind the times that you barely kept your anger in check, as your son is now undergoing his own version of that. Also, keep in mind that his respect for you will keep him from attacking you physically; you’ll still need to deal with the anger, but you should be able to weather it fine.

And it’s definitely up to you to take the first steps in recognizing that your son is becoming a man. This means that you need to take that all-important first step, and realize that he is just as embarrassed to discuss his bodily functions as you are. But…not only is it a bonding experience, and one that needs to happen, but it sets the stage for further dialogue, and keeps you in the loop when important things happen in his life. On the other hand, not talking to him demonstrates that you aren’t interested in him, and so he’s not likely to consult with you, and any questions about his activities will be met with hostility.

Just remember that teenage boys are people, too, and you should do fine.  You are his parent, not his friend, and you need to still raise him, not hold his hand. Sometimes being a parent sucks, but sometimes you teach better by being who you are rather than by being what someone has told you to be…